Jury of The Flowers

hello~ i hope you are well and living peacefully :) the past two weeks have been rough for me, but it’s turning around and i feel happy and calm again!

so, i remember i began, and finished, writing Jury of The Flowers back when i was still in high school. i was going through a lot back then, and one thing i hated more than my life during that time was myself. i never thought i was pretty enough, talented enough, and i always felt overlooked, like i was invisible. now that i’m a little older, i realize that either what i didn’t like about myself either wasn’t true at all, or that something that was once an insecurity or what i thought was “wrong” with me actually turned out to be my biggest strengths and powers. however, even now, we can sometimes put someone else’s thoughts about us above ourselves, it’s only natural. as long as you don’t wallow in it or accept people’s negative perceptions of you as fact, just feel what you feel, and then release it and let it be. in fact, these “negative” feelings you believe others may have of you pertaining to your worth may be coming from you, so self-evaluation is also key. has this person shown me that they don’t acknowledge my worth, or, am i in a place where i’m not feeling the most confident and i’m projecting my own inner thoughts as people’s assumptions of me? these are the types of questions i like to ask myself from time to time, but it took me a while to get there. either way, i through this poem, i hope you feel less alone in your self-loathing, as we all do it, but i hope my words right now also are a reminder to snap out of it, take care of yourself, and to center yourself. when you put yourself first, other’s opinions of you are not neatly as important. choose yourself, love :)

here’s Jury of The Flowers:

i wonder what these flowers are thinking

as i am picking their petals to determine my worth to you

if a flower ever cared as much as i do

a flower’d never bloom

diminishing their integrity with every blood-embedded fingerprint

this flower says no, while another says yes

have they lost their patience with me?

as the seasons change and the petals shrivel and float away?

leaving me to deal with myself

how long will it take me?

to stop taking into account everyone else’s educated guess?

before i 

listen to myself, at best?

until i

collapse when i realize

that when everyone’s vanished and the light’s no longer sourced

i am all i have left?

hmmm, i think i’m starting to like these mini dairy entry-like posts instead of deep dives stanza by stanza, line by line. i mean, those important too, but this feels more personal, like we’re besties~ let me know what you think!

till next time,

BELİNAY