Mountains

hey y’all~ belinay here! long time, no see, it’s been nearly 3 MONTHS 🫣 my life’s been a little all over the place lately, in positive ways, too, but i finally decided that i need to creatively express myself today and choose my art over my excuses and my comfort zone. i hope you’ve been doing well!!! the year is almost over?!?! what is an intention you’d like to set for yourself next year? one of mine is to just express myself more through my work, connect with others, experience life to the fullest, all while maintaining healthy boundaries.

this poem was actually intended to be a song, but, it’s not where it needs to be to be the song i want it to be. did that make sense? i hope it did, lol. however, i still wanted to release this idea in some way, and the essence of this concept has been making me reflect on it for years. at first, the pov for this was to be me singing/expressing this to a lover, but, over time and through my own life experiences, i have realized that i am now more of a person who this song/poem is speaking to. vulnerability and emotional safety is something i cherish and desire so intensely, yet it’s something i can still be so afraid of. being at the complete mercy of someone who wants to love you in every way they can and truly SEE you is… rough? it’s exposure, you feel naked, and you wanna cry, but it’s something so beautiful that i believe we all need and deserve. so, although i personally have done lots of work on boundaries and being strategic about who to let in and what to let them in on, i still have lots of work and self-reflection to do to ensure i’m doing my part to have healthier relationships with others that will last many lifetimes. we’ve all been through phases like this, and maybe you’re in this phase right now, and that is okay! please be gracious with yourself, because sometimes, closing yourself off to people can feel like the only self-defense mechanism you may have in that moment, the only way you can feel truly safe. however, i hope we can all work through any trauma we may have and attract emotionally healthy love and people into our lives. we deserve it!

and to the person who may be trying to get through to someone, to prove to them that you’re there for them (the mountain climber pov), i see your perseverance, i am proud of you, and you’re doing what many people in that person’s life may not have had the patience to see through. however, this can become very emotionally taxing for you as well. so, sometimes, you also have to put yourself first for your own sake. if that person isn’t showing any kind of reciprocity at all, you need to consider letting them go. at the end of the day, two things can be right at the same time. they need love and someone who doesn’t give up on them, but you also deserve those exact same things, and if you’re not receiving it from them, you can only continue for so long before you lose yourself. they will be okay, or they may not be, and as harsh as it sounds, it is what it is. if they won’t help themselves, there isn’t shit you can do but choose yourself, because you also don’t deserve to suffer. you did your best, but it is probably best to move on.

wow, when did this become a therapy session?!?! lmao. either way, if it resonated with you in some way, that brings me joy :) all i want to do in life is to connect us all~ lastly, this poem is also written with a lover’s pov in mind, but this can also resonate with any kind of relationships you may have in your life, be it friends, loved ones, etc.

let me know if you’d like for this to really become a song in the future <3 now, here is my short breakdown of Mountains~

lush mountains surrounding a temple

that’s the beauty that you’re made of

i come in peace, i only want to revere you

there’s nothing to be afraid of

but as soon as i muster up the strength to begin my journey,

your mind’s already been made up

in my mind, this person is as beautiful as the scenery of mountains surrounding a temple. all i want to do is be let in, treat them right, and love them the way they deserve to be loved. however, once i finally see the obstacles in my way, and make the decision to try be there for them anyway, they shut down and shut me out out of fear.

contemplating through your valleys whether you’re worth the climb

through time, will i even find what clouds your mind?

is this a line i want to cross?

do i always want to feel this lost?

at this point, i’m thinking to myself, “is this really worth it?" what if they never open up to me?” i also have to consider my own emotions and think about whether this person is truly someone i should put all of this effort into, especially if it might not be reciprocated. do i want to deal with someone this cold if i may never get through to them? how will this impact my own emotional state and balance? it might take a toll on me…

i’m willing to climb the mountain of you

i can make it to the top, but will you meet me there?

i'd love to be so divinely devoted to you,

but i can only go as far as you let me

i'm far too invested, but i'm running out of air

to breathe your mist is all i ever wanted

am i even wanted?

i’m trying to express to this person that i will be patient and do whatever it takes to take care of them in every state they might be in, and that i can withstand it all as long as they make the same efforts i’m making. i’ve invested time and energy, and i don’t want to give up so easily, but i am exhausted and am trying to still honor boundaries. even just a small sign from them that i am doing well at making them feel safe and loved would be all i need to keep going. then, i think to myself, “do they even want me to be there for them? do they even want me to love them?”

overall, i hope that this poem makes you reflect on times where you may have been trying to climb someone’s mountain and when you might’ve been the mountain someone was trying to climb. we are all trying to do our best in this thing called life 🩶

with peace + love,

BELİNAY